the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I could make wine with my vomit
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
