when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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