I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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