All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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