I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
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I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
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It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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