to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
