he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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