I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
