I'm gonna have a badass scar
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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