everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
