How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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