No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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