Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Randomize
