i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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