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I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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