i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
