I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
