Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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