but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
