You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
