my mouth tastes like poor choices
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
