People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just invented taco cereal.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
