I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
