We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
someone owes me an orgasm
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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