if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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