Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
