Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
