I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
