She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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