it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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