Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
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Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
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People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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