if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
