I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
