is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
