I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
