I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
