You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
