so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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