May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
