my phone needs a breathalizer
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
