so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
