After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
