Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
