Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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