imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
