So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
