So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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