This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
