Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
