Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
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