well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
