Sober January is a disaster.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
