Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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